I’ve been quiet on here as I’ve struggled to deal with the past 12 months*. A recap, for those who don’t know:
- I left Oz
- I travelled around SEA
- Upon returning to Europe, I had an actual nervous break down
- My aunt died unexpectedly
- My mum died unexpectedly
- I left the UK (again)
- I’m travelling again (and working)
It’s been difficult. But I don’t really want to get into all of it.
Ever since I could finally admit that my mum isn’t coming back (since April maybe?), I’ve felt really restless. Traveling around Asia, meeting new people – isn’t cutting it. Getting new clients while on the road, and being a “digital nomad,” isn’t cutting it. I’ve changed.
My mum’s death has changed me.
It’s changed me in ways that I’m aware of (Hi anxiety! You’re new) and others that I’m not. I feel broken on the inside and out. This feeling of restlessness is one I can’t figure out; I don’t understand its origin story. The past week I’ve flip-flopped back and forth over where to go next, which city to explore, or which country to visit. I look at my list of places I want to visit, things I want to see…and I feel nothing. I feel numb.
It’s not that I want to do nothing per say – but I really don’t fancy speaking to people a lot lately. And I don’t really think that exploring new locales as a mute is as much fun, tbh.
Here’s what I do know:
- I want to do something active (I’m an activity monster. I hate not being physically active)
- It would be nice to do it somewhere I’ve not been, or explored before
- It has to be a challenge
- It’s gotta take some time
- I want to be alone/ have time to be with my thoughts.
In November, I’m hiking the Annapurna Circuit in Nepal – across the famous Thorong La Pass.
Why? I’ll have time to think (but not too much as I’ll probably be praying to some higher entity for new legs), it’s repetitive motion (which has been shown to aid in providing clarity and peace) and I’ll be surrounded by nature. Doesn’t everyone always say nature is good for healing and shit?
I don’t really know what I’m looking for -actually- I do. I hope to 1) complete this trek in one piece, and 2) emerge as a less broken Temi.
I’ve learnt this year that, no matter how much you’re hurting, or whatever tragedy you’re going through – life goes on. It doesn’t stop so you can pick up the pieces.
I have to go on, too.
And I really, really(!!!), don’t want to take my broken self into 2017.