I have had enough. *
I don’t really know where to begin with this entry, except to say that I am fed up.
I am so fed up with feel shit about myself, it makes my skin itch. (Or that may be the 10+ mosquito bites I have. I dunno).
I’m stubborn; I know this. But eventually it’ll get to the point where I can’t continue to go around in circles and I admit defeat, raise my hands in the air and say: Ok, ok. I can’t do this alone. I need help.
I don’t know why, but somewhere deep in my psyche there’s a core belief that:
I am not good enough unless __________ .
Fill in the blanks.
Right now, I am majorly struggling with a shit shitty shit self-image. I’m fat(ter) than I would like, and than I am used to, and it’s really fucking with my head. I know, I know. Shouldn’t you be worried about something a little less selfish, Temi? Shouldn’t you hmm, I dunno, not be so selffuckingabsorbed?
I tried, I did. But it’s not easy when I have anxiety attacks, or I feel like everyone is laughing at me because of how I look, or because I feel so
that all I want to do is dig myself a hole and disappear. I recently watched Inside Out, that Disney Pixar movie that anthropomorphises feelings? One of them, “Disgust,” stuck out to me, because I generally feel pretty disgusted with myself at all times.
I can’t recognise myself in the mirror. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I feel trapped. AND, on top of that – It’s not that I don’t know how to eat right and exercise!?! I’m a certified PT ffs! I might appear ok when you see me, happy, content, confident in myself even – but i’m not. I save the hateful comments for when I’m alone, usually as I’m about to leave the house or better yet, when I’m trying to fall asleep. Round and round in my head I go: I look awful, better just stay inside; can’t go to that event or people will be 😳;don’t eat anything that’s not green and a vegetable; did you go to the gym enough this week? Poor Raphael he’s stuck with the worst version of you; If I go to Crossfit and I look this way people will be like wtf why is she here -END SCENE-
Except it doesn’t. The incessant judgement and criticising continues, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep; it’s so exhausting.
It’s not so bad every day, but it’s more than 50% of the days and I.have.had.enough.
I am flight away from heading to Ubud and booking time with one of those ‘self-acceptance guru / sound healers’, and lulz I can’t do that, so I’m going to try something that still makes me cringe, but doesn’t make me hate myself more.
Google says improving your “self-acceptance, self-love, self-tellyourselfyourethegreatest#startedfromthebottom” begins with how you speak to yourself…and I currently talk to myself like I’m Bey talking to Becky with the good hair, so I figure I need to start there.
I’m doing some variation of a ‘self-love challenge.‘
What have I got to lose?